I recently ran into something concerning my teenage 14yr old daughter and would like some opinons and thoughts about it from christian people or other faiths who have similiar practices, that have children.

Ive been letting my daughter investigate different religions that she has been interested in, so far thats worked fine until last week. She went to church with a friend and apparently was saved that night and welcomed as a member of that church.

When she came home and told me I was upset, not because I dont believe in being saved, but because I dont think my daughter is mature enough to understand exactly what it is she did. I stopped her from being baptized two years ago for the same reason, her intellectual maturity at the time. I was just wondering what other parents with teens thought about this, and thier opinons.

Mid-teens is certainly a time when lots of people engage in spiritual exploration and experience spiritual awakenings. I would suggest you use this as an opportunity to engage her in meaningful spiritual discussions. Read some Bible passages together and discuss them, help her to explore Christ's attitude regarding compassion, forgiveness, helping the poor and downtrodden, etc.

This will also keep you tuned in to whether the church is indoctrinating her into narrow, legalistic ways of thinking. Even if that is happening, guiding her by exploring issues together may be the best way to protect her from it.

Finding books to read and discuss together may also be helpful. Someone has started a thread on C.S. Lewis, and his writings played a significant role in my teen years. For resources on thoughtful, compassionate Christian approaches to social issues check out http://www.sojo.net/

Thanks for replying bootleg,
My daughter and I have alot of meaningful discussions, I make sure I keep up with exactly what she is being told just to make sure she isnt being munipulated into anything she doesnt understand, which is why this move of hers surprised me, normally she would of discussed it with me and asked me questions. Im more worried about a church that would encourage a teen to take such a big step after only meeting her twice and never meeting or talking to her parents. Im a baptist and this isnt something ive had any trouble with, the churches i have been to have always required parental permission before baptism so I wasnt sure if this was normal or maybe just something one specific religious group did, and honestly Im not sure on how to handle it since I dissaprove of it.

Thank you for the links I will definitely check them out.

I haven't faced anything like this with my kids - they are of a similar mind as I am in their beliefs and are usually teaching ME. LOL

But I did put my parents through this when I was a teen - I was raised Methodist, but my mother encouraged us to explore the different religions. When I was 16, I decided to become Catholic - because all of my friends were. Good reason, I know. "If all your friends jumped off a bridge....." My answer probably would have been yes. LOL

My mother wasn't happy with my decision - we were a decidedly protestant family. I was literally the first - and only - to "cross over to the dark side" and become Catholic. :D But she believed that I had to make my own choices and mistakes. This wasn't a situation where she felt I would be forever harmed by the choice I was making and so she was supportive of my decision.

My Catholicism lasted all of about 2 years. -grin-

I think it was much harder on her when I moved away from all denominational religions and began exploring spiritual paths. I think the utter lack of dogma and doctrine scared her a bit - I know she was concerned about what path my "free thinking" would take me down. She wasn't sure how to take a belief system without "rules" - to her, "And it harm none, do what you will" just didn't seem like enough structure.

15+ years later, I've turned out ok - and my children are turning out ok as well. In hindsight, I think she is glad she gave me the freedom over my choices - but I would imagine that at the time, it was extremely difficult for her.

I asked my mother a few years ago if she could share with me what it was that she taught me which kept me from making some of the really bad choices many of my friends made in High School - drugs, drinking, etc. She said that she wasn't sure she could identify any specific thing she taught me - she simply trusted that SHE had given me the tools to make good choices. Her trust wasn't so much in me as it was in her own skills as a parent - well, she must have done something right. -smiles-

Trust in your own skills as a parent. Trust that you have been giving your daughter the tools with which to make good choices, and trust that you will continue to do so. Your job as her parent and teacher won't end when she turns 18 - hopefully, you'll be filling that role for the rest of your life. Trust yourself - you've clearly done a great job so far!

Hi Tnwycked,

This occassionally happens at my Church, mostly because we have a large outreach into the high school age group. Although I disagree vehemently with their politics, I have to say that both the pastor and the youth pastor at my church encourage young teens to talk with them personally before they make any decision public within the church. This is especially true with teens whose parents are not part of the congregation. They always contact parents first, to talk to them and get their input. If a teen does make a public decision during a church service (gets saved) and there has been not been parent contact, the pastor acknowledges the teens decision, and informs the congregation that he will be contacting the parents to discuss the decision with them. He does not make light of the teen's decision, but he recognized the importance of the parent in the entire process.

God Bless,
TammyJo58

Tn,

I'm really happy for your daughter. I grew up in an evangelical church, and I saw high school kids get saved all the time. I know that you're worried about your daughter, but if she's in a healthy church, she's probably going to be OK. I can't think of a Christian who came to the faith knowing only that he/she needed to repent for his/her sins and turned out mentally unhealthy.

First of all, I would advise against stopping your daughter from going to worship or from praying. I've never seen it hurt a relationship (from a secular point of view) between a non-Christian or non-Evangelical parent and her daughter, and I'd really encourage you to just let it happen. Christianity should teach your daughter to love and respect you.

Second of all, I'd encourage you to talk to the pastor of the church that saved her, just so you know what's going on there, what they beleive, and how much reason exists in that church. If you're really uncomfortable with what you've heard, (IE: the pastor goes out of his way to tell you that all Democrats are going to hell) feel free to gently encourage your daughter to attend a different church.

14 is probably just old enough to read and understand C.S. Lewis's books on Christianity. If you're worried about Christianity making her mentally unhealthy, CS Lewis will work great. Mere Christianity encourages the use of logic to understand ones' beleifs. Additionally, almost all Christians will respect that book.

Don't worry about your daughter's new spiritual beleifs too much, especially if she's in a healthy church (not a cult). I've never heard of a son/daughter being turned against his/her parents because of evangelical Christian beleifs.

Assuming you're not Christian, I know it's tough to be the agnostic parent of a Christian daughter. She's going to be coming to you with worries and fears that you might not know how to handle. If you ever have questions about how to deal with issues Christian kids in Evangelical churches face, please feel free to email me.

I'll be praying for you and your daughter.

Oops. I didn't notice you were a baptist. Sorry. In which case, I really don't think you should be worried. Most people that I know who were saved between the ages of 13 and 16 turned out to be GREAT Christians. Many turned out to be missionaries and ministers.

You'll have to deal a little with her getting worried about the fires of hell (Evangelicals talk very openly- even to high schoolers- about it), but otherwise, there isn't any other advice/ warnings I can give you.

Let me see if I can explain this a little better, I dont think I was clear.

First im a southern baptist, so I believe in being saved. Although my beliefs and the paticular churches beliefs are different in other aspects

What bothers me about what happened is... the church ignoring the parent factor, and not explaining to my daughter exactly what saving meant.

My daughter has been basically experimenting and trying to find her faith, every month or so she switches churches, and sometimes religions. 6 months ago she was into wicca this time its christianity. I let her pretty well experiment within limits (I dont allow her to explore cultish based religions)

I just do not approve of any church saving a teen and not explaining it to that teen, or making sure that teen understands, and I really do not agree any church should save,baptize, ect ect without at least trying to contact the parent or if done during service, contacting the parent after the fact.

Im not familiar with alot of churches besides Baptist, and I wondered if it was normal for other churches to save teens without talking to them before and if that wasnt feasible at least afterwards, and to not talk to or at least try to contact the parents. And I was wondering if it is normal or not normal how do other christians, or people of other faiths feel about it.

My Two "Sence" Worth:

At a very early age, I was a very religious/spiritually aware child who grew up in an abusive family of agnostics/atheists. In my family, Religion, God, & prayer, were a taboo subject, but when I found an old Bible (a red letter edition in my grandmother's old steamer trunk) I kept it hidden under my mattress, and would often read it voraciously when I could (especially the New Testament words of Christ). When I was about 12 or 13 years old some clients of my Dad's came to the door to discuss their religion. They were immediately sent to me (so that Dad wouldn't have to talk to them). I was then allowed to visist their church a few times-but I was able to ascertain very quickly "on my own", even at that young age, that their actions did not "at all" seem to permeate the love of Christ in their members, nor have the "Truth"-The Spirit Of Christ-with them...as the New Testament Bible teaches. Despite their persistance, I did not join their church. But after that time I was eventually allowed to visit other churches-which I did (the few times I was ever invited). Years later I was baptized into a Born-Again Christian Fellowship (of mostly Born-Again Jews & leftover hippies) when I was about 19 years old.

Looking back, I sometimes wish that I could have found a "good" church, at a younger age...I believe that it could have made a major difference in my life...There are so many pressures & temptations during the middle school and High school years; that perhaps with the Love & support of other believers/friends, I could have been spared some of the onslaughts of those tumultuous teenage years. Sometimes I think I was more "ready" at twelve/thirteen, than I was at 19. I eventually ended up leaving that good Church a couple years later, and ended up back into a time of darkness & some rebellion...until I was about 25. You mentioned your concerns that your daughter's not ready...but what right do we have to judge that? No one does really-that's something very sacred between God and the individual.

Remember to read Mark 10:13-16 "...suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God..."

My point is that if we wait until we think we're "ready" we may never be...Our faith is a process which often grows and diminishes at various stages of our development, through our experiences and our understanding of them.

Does your daughter read the scriptures or pray on her own? Does she ask questions, study & pray for an answer? Is she looking for herself-or is someone else pressuring/influencing her?

In my opinion, the best thing you can do for your daughter is to love her, be a good example, and share with her your beliefs-your testimonies of Christ and the Holy spirit, to pray with her-and for her, and to thank God everyday that she is seeking his kingdom...Don't be so concerned about which church she joins (unless it's some kind of brainwashing cult-which I doubt), be glad she has Christ in her heart and the Holy Spirit in her life-and that it will guide her. Have hope... Remember Jesus taught in the Temple at age twelve, and Joan of Arc received sacred visions at the age of 14; thank God for France that Joan's parents did not discourage her...and thank God for all of us that Jesus parents didn't discourage him....

There are many different churches out there;and some, especially evangelical ones, that regularly have what they call "alter calls" to "repent and be baptized". Many do not require parental permission-nor should they, in my opinion (Just think-kids don't need permission to have an abortion but they do for a baptism???). Sometimes though, there are a few denominations out there that may pressure a visitor to join them right away, or perhaps use peer pressure tactics-not many though. Simply talk to her of your concerns...Ask questions...Encourage her to ask questions...but trust her to make the right choice...

Good Luck & God Bless You Both....

Nobody here is going to like what I say, but here I go. I would be very angry. I would call up the pastor of that church and tell him he has no right to "save" my minor child and welcome her as a member of his church. I would not allow my child to go to church with any friend unless I personally checked it out first. I would consider it just as dangerous for her to spend the night with a family I did not know, or go to a school with which I am not familiar.

And yes, I have a daughter, I believe in God, and was a teacher and school counselor for over 20 years.

I bought my daughter a beautifully illustrated Bible, and we read and discuss it together. I don't want my daughter "getting religion" from anyone but my husband and I. She can explore, but under our guidance only. She is happy with this. We have frank, open discussions on all topics.

It is my greatest fear that she will be "saved" one day, and we've talked about that too.

So......not only would the pastor get a piece of my mind with threats of a law suit, but I would immediately set to work de-programming my daughter! I would fight like crazy to "save" my daughter's my mind!

My opinion and proud of it!

I hope that Your right Marigat...that most people won't like what you have to say on this- Perhaps you should ask yourself why you think that is so?

Quite frankly your view scares the crud out of me...It's what I would expect from a facist, or extremist who tries to brain-wash and control others. "You don't wan't her to get religion from anyone but you and your husband..."???

You said, "I would immediately set to work de-programming my daughter! I would fight like crazy to "save" my daughter's my mind!"

But who is going to save her, and deprogram her, from you???

Do you really believe that just because you helped to bring her into the world...that you have the right to think for her...to make her into a robot/carbon copy of yourself?...Shame on you. That is a very paranoid, abusive, and controlling attitude. Good parenting is not about control...it's about loving, guiding, and being a good example.

How will she ever learn for herself? In my experience that kind of parenting eventually only leads to rebellion...The same can be said for religion...Many who are raised in strict religious societies, and then later come to a free country, such as the States, for example, are like kids in a candy store-and can't contain themselves because they've never learned to think for themselves, or had the teachings in their hearts-through introspection & self revelation, or learned self control because they were always controlled by others who told them what to do or what to think...because there was no self.

Freedom in Christ-Fee will...that's the very basis of our faith in Christ-not the laws of the pharisees-They, like satan, wanted to control everyone. Yes, with free will/free agency there may come mistakes...but that's all part of learning...part of growing. Talk to her, yes; guide her, share your concerns, yes....but do not try to control her. What are you afraid of? You said, "It is my greatest fear that she will be "saved" one day"...???Why??? Would you rather she be lost in sin & worldliness?

The Holy Spirit, and the revelation of Truth, like Love, & Faith, comes to us-of our free will...not by force.

You said you're a Christian...try reading the scriptures and see what Christ says about it...and please pray about it and ask for the truth... James 1:5-6

Try: Corinthians 2:4-16, Galations 5, John 14, 16:13 , Mark 10:13-16, Hebrews 10:15-16

Of course there are some false prophets and those who would mislead us out there...there are cults...and skewed doctrines, but I would encourage you to teach by example, and inspiration-not by force that's what the cults do...How will she ever truly learn for herself otherwise?

"People of [Extreme] Faith" won't like what I say. Everything you write just confirms what I say.

My beautiful and gifted free-willed daughter learns many things from her parents. Religion is only one topic. Teaching children is not mind-control. I do not lead her "by force." You misinterpret my words well. She will use her lessons from us as she will one day. I only pray that she will use her own God-given brain.

Your reply scares me! We believe very differently, you and I. I am reality-based. This makes me no less of a Christian. You are faith-based. Good for you. But not good enough for my daughter, Lord willing.

"Please pray about it and ask for the truth," you write. I write the truth. That is my free will. Your way is much more like a cult's, not mine (which was on my mind when I wrote the last posting- I just didn't include it).

How different we are. Our only similarity is that you take the most negative meanings from me, as I do from you.

Think about it.

Somehow I didn't catch on to the fact that this all took place without your foreknowledge and consent -

In this, I'm in agreement with Marigat - I'd be raising holy hell with the adults involved in "saving" your daughter. This congregation may very well be Loving, kind, good and healthy - but I seriously question any organization which would allow a child to make such a monumental decision without involving the parents on some level. I do not believe that allowing a child to explore different faiths is the same as giving blanket consent for those faiths to bring a child into their fold without involvement of the parents. That strikes me as being extremely irresponsible and disrespectful on every level.

I won't even recommend books regarding my own beliefs to a child without talking to their parents, first. And while my kids will talk with their friends about their own beliefs and the books they are fond of - I follow that up with a phone call to the parents whenever I learn about it. My kids know my feelings on this and are very careful to let me know when they've had a faith-based discussion with their friends. Even when the parents and I don't see eye-to-eye about our beliefs, they are ALWAYS grateful that I have informed them that their kids have been exposed to a belief system that may be in conflict with their own.

As parents, we all need to be working together in raising the next generation - and that means demonstrating respect for what a parent may or may not be teaching their children. I would no more teach a child about my faith without the knowledge and consent of their parents than I would instruct them about safe sex.

It's just not my place. I think it is vastly inappropriate that the adults in this church "saved" your daughter without involving you.

Thank you all for your replies,

My daughter and I have a close relationship, which helps me keep up with exactly what she is being told, I give her a limited amount of freedom to explore, she has several books based on my faith, and some based on my brothers (evangical) but I want her to have the freedom i had as a teen to make her final decision, and i dont believe you can make that decision unless you explore and know about other faiths. Im a firm believer we are all Gods children regardless of religion and with full understanding we will come to him in one form of faith or another, if not as a teen then later as a adult. But i believe restricting her from exploring will only cause her to rebel and push her into a religion for the wrong reasons and maybe a religion that is against everything I believe.

My issue isnt with her, she has a good head on her shoulders and isnt one to follow the pack. Its with the church, yesterday we recieved two letters in the mail addressed to my daughter from the church, which i opened and read, they were congratulation her on her membership in the church, and telling her how proud they were that she was saved, but not once in either of the letters did it bother to reference a parent or mention anything about even talking to her parents. The church itself is harmless as far as what they could teach my daughter, i just have issues with the way they handled the situation and still havent decided how im going to handle it, but it definitely has helped reading each reply.