Good morning everyone!
(or what ever 'tis where ever you is, eh?)

No one else been here yet today, eh? Well hell, methinks 'twon't be necessary to close this edition of RA and open a new volume. 'Tain't like we been burnin' up the band with here lately or anything, eh?

BEER, FISHING, GOLF & SEX:
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Just found out the price of cigarettes from where I get 'em will be goin' up, eh? Now methinks it's gettin' exorbitant! Looks like, includin' shippin', I'll have to pay over $1.50 a pack now.

Since I'm probably gonna ruin some one else's day a little later methinks my day'll be good. Hope yours is too!

Well, here's hopin' the weather's great where ever y'all are at! Enjoy the day, be safe, stay well and remember to play nice!




Added on edit: Hey Peg, notice no really bad words got through?

Actually, used to be, the b-word would have been automatically censored!

Amazing isn't it just how stupid and ill timed some remarks get made. What was he thinking? And that's coming from someone who actually likes him. I believe he called it a "botched" joke - but you know, its not funny. And what a commentary on our system of education as well, but you and I both know that wasn't what he was talking about.

Today is the Official Start of NCAA Basketball! Snuff Jr. got his jersey yesterday. He's number 43 - same as last year. And he says to me "Mom, do you think this means I made the team this year?" And I tell him, athletic departments don't hand out jerseys for the hell of it. Player positions etc. won't be determined for awhile. He's looking at wall to wall practice this weekend. That's good. Will keep him out of trouble. Girlfriend has been visiting more this year than last coinciding with complaints about how hard nonlinear algebra is. First round of home games the 17th and 18th - I will miss the 17th because of the Stones' concert, and even Snuff Jr. says its OK to miss that one. Hope eveyone has a great day today. Going to get cold soon.

Well, I don't know how to do it, anyway.

QUOTE

Redbird says things exactly right.

She sure does !

QUOTE

Actually, used to be, the b-word would have been automatically censored!

Which one ? "Blonde ?"

QUOTE

Noticed 'tis ETC1966's birthday today, but he ain't been 'round on CGCS since April. Methinks he's a Navy twidget CPO that's part of a fast attack crew and probably just finishin' a deployment, eh?

So why don'tcha start him a nice B-day thread ? Would probably mean a lot coming from you.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."

He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear.

The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'."

Two buddies, Bob and Larry are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!" Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!

"His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he pooped in my pants, too."

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here. I almost had an accident ! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me !"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied . "Ma'am ...that's your air freshener.

I know somebody who's gonna be in trouble!

He was talking about Bush and anyone with a brain the size of a pea knows that. You are being completely disingenuous Snuffy. If you doubt that read the damn transcript !

Here's the relevant excerpt from AP coverage of the incident:

It came during a campaign rally for California Democratic gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides. Kerry opened his speech at Pasadena City College with several one-liners, saying at one point that Bush had lived in Texas but now "lives in a state of denial."

He then said: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

Sorry folks, but I find it disgusting seeing the piling on by Democrats, the Kerry detractors like Hillary and her opportunistic statement today, or those who profess to want to see the GOP power diluted.

I have a short fuse today and I know I'm breaking a rule but others have as well.

I do want to thank everyone for the kind words yesterday. It was appreciated more than you know but I am NOT going to apologize for this post. I did not open this door.

If anyone here can say they have never misspoke or made an error when speaking in public, or been guilty of poor timing, then they have right to criticize.. if they cannot it would behoove them to at least show enough class to not jump into the piling on.

Unfortunately CO, the remark also comes across as elitist. And the fall out from it at the end of the day may just knock Kerry out of contention in 2008. And that is the shame. And in reading the transcript, I dont' view his remark as a comment on Bush not doing his homework in Iraq, but a commentary on what happens if you don't work in school, to wit, the only job you'll be able to get is in the military. And that is an insult to anyone who volunteered to serve their country, including all the college graduates who are currently serving. It was an unfortunate remark.

Let's face it... he'll never make it in stand-up, so he better hold on to his day job...

And as much disdain as I have for Shrub- he really doesn't gain anything by calling Dubya 'stupid.' It's just not original material!

You hit the nail on the head, Betty! It is so OBVIOUS that stand-up is not his strong suit... so why are Dems trashing him just as harshly as Shrub and the rest of the criminals? Hell, even Chris Matthews is bagging on the Republicans for twisting his comments into a newsworthy pretzel!

I have sad(?) news to report this evening. I'd told several in chat Friday night that Young Peg was cast in a major (not) role (gratuitous tit girl) in a remake of "Revenge of the Nerds" (a movie that just demands to be remade). Well, she drove to Atlanta, where it's being shot, this afternoon and phoned in to see when she was supposed to be on set tomorrow. She was told, "We were just getting ready to call you. The whole shoot has been cancelled, for now, at least." She's majorly disappointed. Her mother's feelings are mixed.

She will get some extra work in a tv show being shot in Atlanta, at least.



I love you, Betty, and am sorry I was so pushy yesterday. Thanks for your gracious reply. Can understand why it took you a day to recover from my effrontery.

Sorry to hear about Young Peg's disappointment. But perhaps it is for the best.
She deserves a speaking part, as anyone who has seen her natural stage presence knows. Of course, I am sure that does not help her feel much better at this point...


I am ignoring that 'opened door' because there about 50 threads on the subject already- major merger needed but I am too lazy.



Joe:

Whaat! Sorry, maybe I enjoy laughing at myself. I laughed myself silly at Joe's Joke's when I read them. Yeah...I know...I'm not blonde...But hey, hook me up with that pharmacist! (sp?)...

Been there, done that.

Well Winston, Kerry does seem to have the uncanny ability to say the wrong thing at the right moment.

That gaff will be hung around Kerry's neck forever; I was out calling on some clients today, unfortuneately when I do that I am subjected to being forced to listen to Rush Limbaugh. The line is "sure he apoligized but he really meant what he said".

I now realize he probably screwed up some joke but when I first heard it I felt insulted.

I was just giving Joe a blonde emoticon (borrowed from a friend)
that I thought he'd enjoy. And I was whistling back at him.

Marine,

YouTube has it plastered all over the place, and when you see the 'joke' in its full context, it is so obvious that you'll have to give it to Rove & Co.- they can make an anthill into the Andies!

Again, though, absolutely no respect by these bastards for honor in service; as Kerry said yesterday, those who have served would never dishonor or humiliate those who are.

Often you and I disagree on many things, but both of us stand arm in arm when someone tries to make our military look bad just for the sake of a talking point.

We had a fleeting visit from a BLUE lady tonight. Wish she'd hang around more. Guess she has a life, or somethin'.

edit to add: "The above was a botched joke, and I apologize to anyone who may have misunderstood it and believed that I was trying to imply that anyone else here does not have a life!"

That is exactly what happened to my whistling post - I botched it.

No, you didn't. I got it.

Why, thank you. I hope Joe does.

Good morning everyone!
(or what ever 'tis where ever you is, eh?)

After a short two day run methinks Indian Summer has come to an end here. It's gonna get cold quick.



Rumor has it someone here's not celebratin' her birthday today, eh?

We gonna have an unbirthday party?

Well, here's hopin' the weather's great where ever y'all are at! Enjoy the day, be safe, stay well, don't celebrate any birthdays you don't wanna and remember to play nice!

good morning all the sun out and cold

i guess the GI bill is no longer needed now!

[quote=flydangler,Nov 2 2006, 02:16 PM]
Good morning everyone!
(or what ever 'tis where ever you is, eh?)

Rumor has it someone here's not celebratin' her birthday today, eh?

Its the first day of the last year of this decade. Ugh.

Jack Benny (remember him- I am really dating myself here) had approach: 39 forever !

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either
have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . "Their sign pertains
to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and
drove off.

The following night found the same police officer in the area when he
noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he
noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

See Frenchy's back amongst us, eh? So 'tis your 29th birthday you ain't celebratin', eh?I wuz tolled fer ladies it be 29 forever. 'Corse what wood i no, I'm jest a dum miliary retiree, eh?

At leest GIs can doo jokes better'n northeastern librals methinks

That pic is all over the "Net" fly...It flat cracks me up!

I just finished editing and printing a collection of photos for binding and am really pleased on how this turned out. Yes my friend is going to be the recipient of this book at Christmas. Title page below:



And yes, many of the shots were taken from the back of a bike, including this one.

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck? Here is a
little test that will help you decide. The answer can
be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist
with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes
with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises
the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a
Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do??

Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information
to answer the question! Does the man look poor? Or
oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would
inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my
wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly
swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into
it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what
kind of message does this send to society and my
children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just
killing me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on,
could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is
this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have
a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to discuss it with
some friends over a latte and try to come to a
consensus. What did Bush do to get him so mad? This is
America's fault.



Republican's Answer: BANG!



Redneck's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or or Remington Hollow Points?"

Son: "Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one?!"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!"

Where ever you think they need to be (to include the delete box), please let your edit button run free.

I'm sorta tired of the humor that I post being the cause of people getting hurt, pi$$ed, or otherwise offended.

None of my humor was ever meant to be demeaning or mean-spirited, and I don't think it should be viewed as something to be messed with, or censored...

Regards,

YUP!

Geez Peg, after the news 'bout your daughter's disappointment the last thing I wanted was to be the bearer of more bad news, eh? Just the same methinks you'd not want it hidden from you. If you are really sure you can take it just click here for the sordid details.

Methinks I wouldn't blame you if you chose not to go there just now. Sorry to be the one to bring more bad news, eh?



Hey Joe, ain't bein' a Bosun and bein' politically correct just 'bout damn near impossible? We chancre mechanics didn't have any such problems.

YUP, I wouldn't know how to be PC...

This is beautimous, Snuff! So this is what you're doing while you're not celebrating your birthday?

Doc, this thing is loading too slowly to check your link right now, but I saw what it was about! Couldn't happen to a nicer girl.

Joe, hate to tell you this, but YOU'RE the one who seems to be unable to take a joke! Going all thin-skinned on us? Pie was just teasing you right back!

Joe, a misunderstanding. Did you see my posts ?

Repeat from last month...

Joe? You? Offend? BANISH THE THOUGHT!

RIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTT!

Loadin' slowly, eh? You on dial up at the office or something? Oh oh, methinks if that's the case you've been found out. You must be the one runnin' the Canadian Secret Service operation in Alabama, eh?



Hi ho, hi ho, 'tis off to go speak to someone else's Girl Scout troop I go! See y'all later, eh?

Well don't I feel (beyond) stupid!! Skin is tough as a rhino's s$$, but brain is addle as a goat...

-P: Never hate to be honest...

For PIE: Check your PMs, plese.

boy does that fit my wife