Activist gaining ground on fathers' divorce rights
By Patricia Wen, Globe Staff | November 27, 2004

Ned Holstein remembers sitting in divorce court in Dedham more than a decade ago, a father of three still reeling from the breakup of his marriage. Holstein never expected his life to turn out this way, but there he was, a 50-year-old physician facing a court official who was questioning him about why he could not pay more to his former wife. Holstein remembers the man turning to him coldly and asking, ''And you do make a lot of money, don't you doctor?"

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It was then that Holstein realized that the court did not see him the way he saw himself: as a man who regretted the end of his marriage and was trying to be ''a good father to my children." The court considered him a potential derelict, a father on the brink of shirking his family obligations.

The indignation Holstein felt during the legal proceedings inspired him to improve the legal standing of fathers in the state's divorce court system. Six years ago he founded Fathers and Families, a Boston-based organization that has become one of the state's leading fathers' organizations and is gaining clout on Beacon Hill as a measured voice for family court reform.

On Election Day, Fathers and Families scored its most notable political triumph in its effort to end what the group perceives as discrimination against fathers in the courtroom. It won overwhelming support in a nonbinding referendum that asked voters if they would endorse a law requiring judges to presume shared physical and legal custody of all minor children in all divorce cases, unless a parent is proven unfit or unable to care for the child.

The ballot question appeared in dozens of Massachusetts communities, including parts of Boston and Lawrence, as well as in Andover, Weston, Natick, Braintree, and Norwood, and passed everywhere, with an average of 85 percent approval. A nearly identical ballot question in the western part of the state enjoyed similar support; it was sponsored by The Berkshire Fatherhood Coalition, another fathers' rights group.

Holstein said he works hard to defy what he sees as the stereotype that fathers' groups are motivated more by personal anger than a desire to see justice. Equipped with his background as a scientist, with degrees from Harvard College, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York, he approaches his political lobbying with logic and reason.

''We try to come at it reasonably and quietly, rather than flamboyantly," said Holstein, 61, whose organization is based in an office suite in Park Plaza.

The organization has 2,000 members and an annual budget of about $130,000. Its central conference room contains thick research files about topics such as child care, paternity, and child-custody evaluations. Last week, an easel showed a map with some of the legislative districts where the nonbinding referendum appeared. A chart on the wall showed the average child-support payment by state.

Page 2 of 2 -- Bolstered by their recent ballot-initiative victory, Holstein and others are filing a bill next week in the State House calling on judges to begin with the presumption of shared custody.

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''I walked into court believing we were a society that had worked hard toward gender equality," Holstein said, recalling his divorce proceedings. ''Then I began to see all these attitudes running counter to that."

In the end, Holstein said, his divorce in 1993 went relatively smoothly: He was given joint physical and legal custody and he believes his children, now grown, have adjusted fairly well to the marital breakup. But his eye-opening courtroom experience, as well as the stories he has heard from other fathers who fared less well in divorce court, prompted him to begin an organization that lobbies on behalf of fathers' issues.

Others who work in promoting fatherhood programs praise Holstein's group as among the first to gain credibility on Beacon Hill. Anthony Palomba, who heads the For Fathering Project at the Medical Foundation in Boston, said that he always refers divorced fathers who call him for help to Holstein's group.

Representative Colleen Garry, Democrat of Dracut, said that Holstein approaches the Legislature with ''a calmness and a logical perspective" that have won him respect and distinguished him from the many fathers who, she said, testify on Beacon Hill with raised voices and vindictive rhetoric that is easily dismissed by lawmakers.

Garry, a lawyer who practices in family court, said many judges are more open-minded now about awarding joint physical custody to two deserving parents, though a decade ago, that type of resolution was rare.

''Ten years ago, the wife would get custody and the father would pay child support," she said. ''There was no sympathy for men."

Fathers still do not always receive fair treatment from divorce courts, Garry said. She plans to file a bill based on Holstein's referendum question.

The bill may be met with some resistance, said Andrew Cohen, cochairman of the family law section of the Boston Bar Association, who argues that Holstein's bill could ''take discretion away from judges."

Currently, Cohen said, judges base custody decisions on the ''best interests of the child," not whether both parents perceive the arrangement as fair. For example, a judge might grant custody to the mother because she has the closest relationship with the children, ignoring the father's argument that he was busy earning money for the family.

Holstein counters that the current practice penalizes such fathers and assumes they are unwilling to change their lives to spend more time with their children as divorced fathers.

Holstein said he never imagined that he would someday be in charge of one of the largest fathers' rights groups in Massachusetts. Growing up in northern New Jersey, he figured he would grow old as a happily married man juggling his career while enjoying his grown children. But Holstein said the breakup of his marriage was a ''cataclysmic event both in terms of pain and growth." Remarried and living in Newton, Holstein said he spends 30 to 40 hours a week working on issues for Fathers and Families, while maintaining his environmental health consulting business.

Holstein said his extended family has a history of political activism, mostly on the side of progressive politics. A self-proclaimed liberal who protested against the Vietnam War in his college days, Holstein said he has found that progressive groups seem reluctant to embrace the fathers' rights movement. He believes this stems from the perception that people who press for fathers' rights are biased against women. Holstein said he works hard to defy the image that fathers' rights come at the expense of mothers' rights, and is wary of men who come off as too angry or vindictive. He says he receives phone calls from fathers who do not seem interested in the well-being of their children and instead want to vent their rage about their former wives. He does not welcome these people into his group.

''We have a style we've chosen -- based on informed activism," he said.

Patricia Wen can be reached at wen@globe.com.

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